Today I Went to Grief Counseling

Today I went to counseling. When someone so close to you dies that is what you are supposed to do, I am told. I am very, very sad and I am in denial. I am very angry and my attitude is not very healthy. You have died and I am supposed to go though the stages of grieving as If it were a schedule I should follow, I paid someone 150 (one hundred fifty dollars), to listen to me. I would have paid any amount to feel different than I am feeling at this moment.

I wanted to have help figuring out how I could drive so far to the hospital and sit with you all day and not cry, not show any emotion at all and be basically fine. Drive all the way back home, not even tired and set my clothes out to do it all again the next day; even when I knew there would be no “next day”.

You know me and you know I don’t accept things without a reason.I was the last person to see you alive and the first to see you when you weren’t. I couldn’t leave your side, not for a moment. I didn’t freak out, I didn’t scream or even cry. It’s not like it is in the movies. Grief counseling said this was normal, I was in shock. I had people to call and things to do, but not really anything to feel. When I did call people, I couldn’t say the words, I did tell everyone to please not ask me questions or I would fall apart. I had to send an email around, the hardest one I ever had to write. I was fine, until I heard someone say that you died. Then I just went into a full panic and needed them to be quiet, to stop saying that. The counselor said that was normal.

I know I said I would let you rest in peace and I’m not, but you told me you would not die, so I guess we are even. This is just so hard now, this part, the living without you here. I am so angry that you didn’t take better care of yourself. I am so angry that I didn’t believe how sick you were and how I pushed you to do more. I am feeling so guilty on top of all this other stuff.

Your doctor said I was a great friend and I should never feel guilty, not for one moment. I had given you four more years of your life than you would not have had if I hadn’t brought you to them. The grief counselor nodded.

I am probably ruining your peaceful time in heaven, but I don’t care right now. We have never been out of touch for more than a day and we were supposed to be little old ladies together and you didn’t keep up your end of the bargain. I’m not sleeping very well and that’s the one thing I was so good at! In time, I will let you rest in peace and I will just be sad, always just sad. I look at the things you have given me over the years. Best friends, Pals forever, but that wasn’t true. The counselor said time would change everything. I wondered if maybe it would bring you back.

I run all day just so I am exhausted and maybe sleep will come. Not today, not yet. Today is 21 days and in all these years we have never been out of touch for more than 24 hours. When I realize that you are gone, I can’t stop crying, I just can’t. I am afraid I will never stop. the grief counselor said I would and had a tight little smile on her face.

We had our thing of never ever saying bye, it was always just nite, never bye. When I left you that last night, I said “I love You, Night”, and you answered the same. I will keep doing this every night. I just can’t say bye. The grief counselor said that was not healthy. The grief counselor was getting me very angry. I told her for 150 (one hundred fifty) dollars I wanted you to come back and then she said I truly did not have a healthy attitude. This much I knew was true.
The grief counselor would never see me again.